04 Dec How to get through your first Christmas as a split family
So it’s your first Christmas post-divorce or separation. If you’re like a lot of people in this situation, you might be feeling a bit of dread. You might be unsure of what it could mean for your family as a whole and how the holiday could be impacted.
But there’s no reason to dread Christmas. As family lawyers, we’ve seen many, many families have beautiful holidays post-split, and you can too.
Here’s how to get through your first Christmas as a split family.
How to get through your first Christmas as a split family
There are as many ways to manage your split as there are to manage a marriage, and you’ll find the ways that work best for your family. But here are 10 things from our experience as family lawyers that can make your holiday feel special and manageable.
1. Put your children first
Holidays are such a magical time for children and while it might be natural to feel a sense of loss when you’re not with them, keeping their best interests at heart will ensure they keep the magic of the season.
2. Scheduling is your friend
One of the best ways to put your children first is to create a detailed schedule for the holidays. You should determine well in advance who will have the children and when and include drop off and pick up times and even contingency plans for unforeseen circumstances.
If you have a Court Order in place, you’ll have to abide by this unless you can negotiate other arrangements. If you don’t, be sure to communicate with your co-parent as soon as possible so you can nail down the family movements as soon as possible.
Be sure to be as open to this process as possible.
3. Support your children
It’s important to help your children have a good time when they’re with the other parent. Try to be upbeat, focusing on the good things that will happen.
If you’re feeling sad or angry, it’s important to express those emotions—but share them with someone other than your children, like a trusted friend or therapist. During the holidays, children need a sense of safety and security to enjoy their time with both parents.
4. Create new traditions
Sometimes, your old traditions won’t be possible any longer. It’s OK to feel sad about that. But it’s also OK to give yourself permission to make new traditions. This is a new beginning for you and this new version of your family. It’s a great time to find new ways (and maybe even better ways!) to celebrate.
If you don’t have your children on Christmas Day, consider how you can make Christmas Eve or Boxing Day extra special. What matters is being together, not the calendar date.
5. Manage your own expectations
Even with new traditions, your first Christmas post- divorce might not be perfect. It’s important to accept this. Give yourself permission to find your new way without putting too much pressure on yourself. Focus on what’s achievable and meaningful, and remember that it’s OK to have mixed emotions.
6. Surround yourself with supportive people
This is going to be a time of change for you and your children. Surround yourself with supportive people who love you and your children. Let them be there for you and your new family unit. If you have people in your life who are negative, remind them that this is the time of year for gratitude and love.
7. Maintain healthy boundaries
The other side of the supportive people coin is to try to maintain healthy boundaries. This means saying no to those people or things that might try to bring you down. And it also means striving to maintain respectful boundaries with your co-parent to avoid unnecessary conflict.
Sometimes, you may need to limit communications if tensions are high and focus on logistics rather than emotions. Once you’ve agreed on arrangements with your co-parent, do your best to honour those commitments. Avoid last-minute changes unless absolutely necessary.
8. Don’t fight with your ex
You might have some ongoing things to work out with your ex, but if possible, park those negotiations until after the holidays (your lawyer can help you navigate this). Arguments can wait, especially around your children and particularly about the children.
If you can be reasonable and flexible with requests from your ex. Treat your ex how you want to be treated, even if they don’t do the same.
9. Talk to your children
Your children might be feeling unsure about what the holidays will look like with their new family dynamics. It’s a great idea to give them as much information as they can understand (and is age-appropriate) while still being positive about the new situation. For example, let them know when they’ll be with you and when they’ll be with your ex.
Speak to them often when they’re away from you. And be positive and encouraging about the fun they’re having with the other parent.
10. Take care of yourself
You matter, too. And so does taking care of yourself. You might find that you have more time to yourself than you’re used to during the festive season. Rather than just trying to fill your days, why not take this as a chance to actually embrace the time off and away from the children? A mental reframe can make all the difference to your holiday season.
You’ll have time and space to yourself and the opportunity to do more of the things you love to do. This might be reading, bushwalking, dinner with friends or anything else that makes you feel good and like yourself. And when you’re back with your children you’ll feel recharged and appreciate them all the more – and you might even find you’re a better parent!
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Your first Christmas as a family post-split doesn’t have to be defined by loss – it can actually be a springboard for new and maybe even better traditions and memories.